Razor's Edge II: Nothing is Safe
by Failure Turtle
Summary: The sequel to Razor's Edge. Instead of talking about people, Edge talks about things and events. Last: Edge vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania. T for language.
1. I Always Win

**A/N: It's only been a day, but I already feel so empty without "Razor's Edge."**

**This time, he rants on events and stuff instead of wrestlers.**

**And you should all go read the first "Razor's Edge" because it is my baby.**

I knew you fools couldn't get enough of the Edgemeister. How pathetic. You all claim to hate me, but you come crawling back to me, begging for more. Do you realize how pathetic you fools are for this?

But since I am a generous Canadian, I'll give you what you want. It's only bound to make you all look more pathetic when you get addicted to it.

Just admit it. You all think that I'm freaking awesome.

What shall my first little rant of my sequel be about?

Oh, I've got it. I'll do the only reason that you fools "hate" me.

I'm going to talk about the most vicious love triangle in WWE history, the one between Lita, Matt Hardy, and myself.

I'll give credit to Matt Hardy for landing Lita. Not many men can do that. Then again, I don't see what Matt had in the first place. Clearly, I either have more, better, or something else that Matt didn't have. Yeah, I'm going to say that I have a dick while Matt doesn't. Lita needs that, man.

Matt Hardy's breakup video still makes me laugh to this day. I've stated it before, in chapter thirteen of "Razor's Edge." It is so pathetic. He seriously keeps a cardboard cut out of her in his fucking bathroom. I don't want to know what he does with that thing, and I'm pretty sure that Lita doesn't want to know, either. What a freaking stalker.

I don't understand why you people hate me for this whole thing. Sure, Lita and Matt were together for six years. That's not my problem. Yeah, I was married, but wouldn't any normal guy ditch his wife for a hot chick? Come on now, think with your non existent brains, but I think that's a tall order for you jerk offs.

I mean, you all knew about Matt and Lita's real life relationship since they were a television couple, too. You have no business meddling in my personal life. If there is someone that you should hate for all of this, it's Lita.

But if you do hate Lita, I'll spear you. You do not want to be speared by Edge.

Unless you're some hot chick. Then I'm _sure_ that you want me to spear you, and I'm sure that I want to spear you.

**A/N: These aren't going to be that long, I don't think…and it's probably not going to be as long as the original.**

**I'll make a list of what I want Edge to talk about. Suggestions are welcome.**

**Review.**


	2. Less Ass Kicking? What a Shame

**A/N: Wow, that was…unexpected.**

**These are all going to be WWE related. **_**Maybe**_** for "Razor's Edge III," I'll do other stuff, but I don't even know **_**if**_** there will be a third "Razor's Edge."**

**But that doesn't mean that one of you can do one. I've got dibs on all of this crap.**

**Right now, I'm watching Playhouse Disney. Screw being up at eight in the morning.**

I'm not sure what to think about the split rosters.

During the Attitude Era, which _didn't _suck, I could dominate WWE television programming two times a week with my awesome hair and Christian's sweet goggles. Not anymore. Wait, let me correct myself. I _do_ get to dominate WWE television programming twice a week: SmackDown and ECW. But ECW doesn't count. They're like…half. So I get to dominate fifty percent more, which I suppose is still more action than John Cena is getting right about now.

Serves him right.

Then again, just like I make SmackDown, I _make_ ECW. I hate ECW, but I've recently brought it up from the catacombs of cancellation and destruction. The ratings go up when I'm on.

You know, maybe if I was on all of that crappy prime time television on those other channels, the writers wouldn't have gone on strike.

With split rosters, there are three main titles, two sub titles, and two sets of tag team titles. But then there's the Women's Championship and Cruiserweight Championship, but I don't compete for either of those. I'll leave both of those to Gregory Helms.

You know what? I _don't_ like the split rosters. I don't get to kick as much ass, and I'm stuck with the same losers every week. That gets pretty damn boring.

Then again, there's a lot of jerk offs on RAW that I've already beaten and I don't want to see, namely, John Cena.

I unfortunately have to admit that beating the crap out of John Cena is highly more refreshing than kicking Undertaker's ass. Oh, and Batista's ass.

I think I want to trade Batista for John Cena. Whenever I fight Batista, he's always touching me in strange places. And he claims to be straight…

And I'm pretty sure that Batista would have fun with Randy Orton, the pantsless wonder on RAW. Because the Canadian God of Hockey knows that I don't want to see either of them when they wander around pantsless together and frolic through the hallways like two homosexual male butterflies.

I think I just puked in my mouth a bit.

**A/N: Yeah…**

**Review.**


	3. Worst Tag Team Ever

**A/N: Come on, guys…**

**I don't want to get angry like I always did in the first "Razor's Edge." I want this one to be bigger, better…**

**There's nothing wrong with that, right?**

I know that I've ranted about Randy Orton before, but come the fuck on. I still can't believe that I ever teamed up with that Playgirl wannabe. Yeah, I said Playgirl, just like that Shawn Michaels junk.

Except Randy _knows_ that gay men buy that magazine. Pathetic. I'm surprised that he didn't drop the soap near me so I'd pick it up, if you know what I'm saying. After all, he refuses to wear proper leg wear.

Okay, back to the topic at hand.

I don't even remember how Rated-RKO started. That's how miniscule and meaningless it is to my WWE career. I mean, look at me. I'm the fucking World Heavyweight Champion. And for the record, I _will_ retain my title against Rey Mysterio and the Royal Rumble. Not like I haven't beaten him before.

I'm still ashamed that we even won the World Tag Team Championship. Now, I'm not against winning the titles myself, because I basically _did_ win them by myself. I'm just ashamed that my name will go down in the books with that wildebeest's name next to it.

Christian would be ashamed.

This is how I know that I am clearly the more ballsy member of Rated-RKO: _I_ was the one going on the intense spearing rampage during the Money in the Bank ladder match at Wrestlemania 23. yes, I know that Orton went on his little run and got CM Punk off of the ladder. Good for him. He did something right. But then again, _I_ was the major risk taker. Hell, I got taken out of the damn match thanks to Jeff fucking Hardy. Asshole. You know what? I hope he beats Orton at the Rumble.

I mean, the only reason we tagged up was because we wanted to take down DX. Yeah, mission failed, Orton. I blame him for that. It's all his fault.

You know why we failed? Randy Orton was too busy wishing that he was Vince McMahon when DX shoved his head up Big Show's ass.

That's disgusting.

I really do have the poor habit of making myself puke up in my mouth. This has been no exception.

**A/N: I still have my list of topics, but it's kind of…lacking.**

**I don't know what topic I'm doing next.**

**Suggestions are still welcome, as long as they are WWE related. I make all the final calls. Edge has no say.**

**Review.**


	4. Cena Wins Again? SHOCKER!

**A/N: As much as I dislike Mr. Cena, I am overall very pleased with the Royal Rumble.**

**Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I'm happy that Edge retained and that Cody kicked some major ass, even though he eliminated no one. I got hell after Triple H came in and ruined my night, though.**

I sincerely hope that you fools all watched the Royal Rumble last night. Come one, I freaking owned Rey Mysterio. I didn't _need_ to ruin my night by participating in the Royal Rumble match.

Cena totally ruined it. Wasn't he supposed to be out for six months, minimum? Come one, fuckbags. It's only been four.

But then again, he _is_ Superman…not.

Since I am so upset with the outcome of the Royal Rumble match, I think that I shall give you all my thoughts on this particular once a year phenomenon.

Whose idea was this? This match, when you think about it, is completely homosexual. Instead of _two_ men fighting, you have thirty guys going at it at once. I only stay in for as long as I do because of the reward. The risk of getting boned in the ass by Big Dick Johnson is lesser than…

Oh, who am I kidding? That's just sick. I still can't believe what Santino Marella did. There was a _reason_ that Big Dick Johnson was hiding under that black tarp. But no, of course, Santino just had to prove his gayness and his love for fat naked men. Sickening…

Anyways, I see no need for someone like me to be forced into a match with twenty-nine losers to waste my time and possibly injure myself for a chance to win a championship that I can get by my own means. Hell, I have Vickie wrapped around my finger. I get whatever I want. See? Even she defended me last night. She took a 619 to the back of the head so that I'd retain. Good woman. I should reward her, but I'll probably forget. And that damn referee…you just _don't_ ban my Edgeheads from ringside. If you did that, you'd have to kick the rest of the Edgeheads in the crowd out. Then the arena would be empty.

Wait, everyone turned back to Cena again, didn't they? Wait…They were doing the "yay" "boo" thing again. "Yay" for Tripsy and "boo" for Cena. That makes me happy.

Anyways, back to the Rumble.

I know what you're thinking. "Edge, since you're so great, why haven't you won a Rumble yet?"

This is why.

I am _the_ master of the ladder match, so I can just win the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania. That way, I'm not limited to when I can have my title shot. I get it when _I_ want it.

Last year, I was in a title match. The year before, I was still elated from my victory over Shawn Michaels. That's all I can remember now because this shiny title belt that I successfully retained is blinding my vision.

Aren't you jealous, Rey?

**A/N: Haha, that chapter made me laugh a lot.**

**Review.**


	5. Send in the Clown

**A/N: I am not happy about RAW. Okay, I am, but I'm not.**

**Cody blowing kiss at camera equals happy Becky.**

**John Cena taking over the WWE equals angry Becky.**

**Rare disclaimer: This is not for the Cena fans.**

**Edgie time.**

I don't understand this whole thing. It really is a waste of my time.

I tuned into the beginning of RAW to hopefully see Triple H get his ass kicked by Umaga and Snitsky.

But did that happen at the beginning of RAW? No, it didn't. What did I tune into, exactly?

I tuned into the mother fucking John Cena Show. I'd rather die.

You know, with his "work ethic" that he's so damn proud of, you'd think that he would have waited the full six months to stay away. Hell, most of us were actually looking forward to him being out for at least six months.

But no, here he is to ruin everyone's Monday nights once again.

This brings me to another point. He was said to be out for six months minimun, right? Well, he must have been pumping some major steroids to knock off TWO whole months from his rehab schedule. Jackass. Go and film your boring movie that no one wants to see. We'll all be happier that way.

I have a theory as to why he returned. He only wanted to get close to Randy Orton again. You see, Orton got married the week before Cena got injured. While he was out, Cena was harboring all this rage and jealousy inside of him. He wants Randy so bad. You all know it's true. Hell, Randy even got a fucking Marine haircut to match Cena's. But I'm still not quite sure who has the worst haircut out of the two.

John Cena is an idiot for not taking his title shot at Wrestlemania, the grandest stage of them all. Then again, he's probably worried that he will get jeered to the max like the reekazoid he is on wrestling's most important night of the year. He totally lied when he said that the "Cena Sucks" chants were music to his ears. He so wanted to slit his wrists under the moonlight, if you know what I'm talking about.

Clearly, he wanted Randy Orton as soon as possible. Didn't he say that he wanted some from Randy Orton and that he was determined to get some? If that's not a clear admittance of homosexuality, I don't know what is.

Then again, I'm not surprised that John won the Royal Rumble. They might as well put a giant "bling bling" bow on the fucking spinner of the WWE Championship belt and hand it to John Cena on a golden platter. He'll sit on the wonderful throne of the gods and Candice Michelle will feed him grapes.

Yeah, right. Well, I suppose that Cena could catch some of her foot sucking STDs then. Ha. I would so crash that celebration. He and Ric Flair ruined my live sex celebration with Lita, so that's payback.

And Cena? Quit pointing to your stupid two inch scar that's on your fucking armpit. No one cares, okay? As much as I hate Hardcore Holly, he had that fucking foot long gash on his back. I'm sick of your sob story, bitch.

As much as I hate to do this, I'm actually going to be cheering for Randy Orton at No Way Out. Then I hope that Jeff wins the Elimination Chamber and that we both win at Wrestlemania. Then, at Backlash, we can have a ladder match for both the titles. I'll spear him off the belt harness just like I did before.

**A/N: This was for Hairpull xox Snapmare. Ha.**

**Review.**


	6. Lame Excuse to Get a Boner

**A/N: I need a new favorite.**

No matter what homosexual references John Cena attempt to throw at me, even though he's really talking about himself, I'm going to make something clear to you all right now.

I, Edge, am not a woman. That's right. Then again, you all knew that. If you want proof, I'll gladly extrapolate _something_ to you jerk offs.

I just wanted to make that clear since I am going to give you all my thoughts on the WWE's women's division. Normally, I wouldn't care about such mockery. The only reason that I _do_ care is because of Lita, not because of any of the other skanks they have running around now.

Maybe if any of them were hot, I'd be a bigger fan. Alas, none of them are, so there you have it.

The women's division is kind of like John Cena's career: useless, boring, and overrated. Hell, I'm surprised that it even _has_ a rating. I'm not quite sure what that rating is, so don't even ask. I think I just made that shit up. But then again, I am Edge, so I can do such things. Suck on that, butt munchers.

Anyways, where was I?

I wish that they'd work their women's division like they did back in the day. You know, they had like two classes of women. They had the _wrestlers_, like Trish, Lita, and Victoria, and then the sluts, like Torrie, Sable, and Christy Hemme. I only say that there's a difference now because the "sluts" didn't compete in real wrestling matches. They did little "pillow fights" and boring crap like that. Hello, Lita and Victoria even battled in a fucking steel cage. Yeah, Lita pwns all you little Diva wannabes.

Don't even get me started on the girls today being allowed in actual matches. Well, I already started, so I'll continue. I find it _horrendous_ that creative let Maria beat Melina on RAW. Are you kidding? That's an insult to Melina's actual training. The only reason that they're putting what's her face over is because of Playboy. I'll be damned if they let her have a title shot at Wrestlemania. Then again, seeing Beth Phoenix pummel her ass might be a bit entertaining. God knows that I nearly urinated myself during ECW when I saw Victoria take the shit out of Kelly Kelly. That is the stuff dreams are made of, dear Edgeheads.

I know you all are thinking that some of the Divas, like Maria and Kelly Kelly, have improved. Um, no, they really haven't. Just because they can do a little handstand and maybe a cartwheel doesn't put them under the category of "improving." I can do a cartwheel on one hand, but you're not going to tell me that I'm improving in the ring, are you? No, you're not. Then again, I don't have to improve. I'm the World Heavyweight Champion. I'll smite you all if you contradict me.

After that long winded rant, I'm ready for a fucking nap.

**A/N: Again, Edge's thoughts. I mean, I hate a lot of the Divas, but these are the ones that I can stand:**

**Mickie, Jillian, Beth, Melina, Victoria.**

**Wait, that's it? Oh yeah, those are the only ones that can wrestle.**

**Review.**


	7. Jealous Much?

**A/N: I've been quiet for like…a day. I know, that's horrendous for me. I apologize. I'm just not feeling the love right now.**

**Oh my god. I'm watching "Whose Line is it Anyway" and Wayne Brady was just a WWE Superstar in that dating game. Yes.**

You people disgust me. I don't understand why you fools hate me. With every profile I read, every wrestling blog I come across, I see the same thing.

"_Leik, zomg I totally hait Edge bcuz hes lik not gud and sooo ivil. Y is he da rtrd R supa star? Fur wat? Hez leik R for retarded._"

What? They spelled "retarded" right, but they spelled "why" wrong? Are you kidding me?

Why do you hate me? I don't get it. Not that I care, but the more Edgeheads out there, the less Cena fans there are.

The crowd was so hot for me at the Royal Rumble. No, the men were not in love with me. I didn't mean it like that, jerks. That's wrestling speak for "they really, really wanted me to beat the holy hell out of Rey Mysterio."

I don't see why you all think I'm such a bad guy. Is it because the Edgeheads help me out? Sorry that I have friends and you guys don't. I guess you wouldn't understand what it's like to be so freaking awesome that your friends are willing to help you out in a tough spot. Maybe you're jealous that I have a bitch like Vickie that does my bidding. If you guys hate me for that, then you need some serious counseling. You guys must have some pathetic lives if your woman doesn't cook for you. Vickie knows her place.

Are you guys _still_ upset about Matt Hardy? Let me put it this way. If it was the other way around, would you hate Matt Hardy? Yeah, think about that one, jackasses.

I bet that you're just jealous that I'm better looking than you. I'm better dressed. I'm probably cleaner, too. You probably have lice and you're jealous of my amazing hair.

I think that you're under the impression that I don't care about stuff. I care about Vickie…saving my ass when I need it like she should. I care about the Edgeheads…worshiping the ground I walk on.

Damnit, I'm even a family man! Me and Chavo, guys! I just wanted you to know that _I_ planned his little Mexican fiesta. Yeah, I hate Chavo, but he doesn't need to know that. I didn't plan for CM Punk, though. I'm kind of glad he did. It was pretty funny to see Chavo get slammed in the head with a musical instrument.

I should have went in and smashed CM Punk with one, too. But I wouldn't use any of mine. My guitars are signed by Eddie Van Halen.

**A/N: Sorry, I just had to do a chapter where Edge talks about how great he is. It's something that he'd do.**


	8. Hulk is Not a Real American

**A/N: I don't know how you guys feel about entrance themes, but I enjoy **_**most**_** of them.**

**Rare disclaimer: I own none of these, nor do I own Edge, even though the takes over my brain from time to time.**

I seriously can't stand some of the entrance themes being used today.

What's worse is when people actually sing their own entrance theme. John Cena basically talks through his whole thing. It's scripted to rhyme and I don't see how that qualifies as "music." That just proves how narcissistic John Cena actually is. He likes to listen to himself talk. Add Shawn Michaels to the list of the narcissists. He talks about how "cute and sexy" he thinks he is. I'll sing about how old and decrepit _I_ think he is. After all, my opinion is the only one that matters around here. And don't even get me started on Jillian Hall's new theme. Oh. My. Canadian. Fucking. God. At least we know whose implants are charging down the ring when we hear that horrible screech.

Now, that is not the only indiscretion that is posed throughout today's entrance themes. What, you didn't understand what I just said? Yeah, the Edgemeister is smart. That means that there is more than one "no no," for you lesser educated fools that somehow are able to read.

Some of them just plain SUCK! They reek of horrendous suckitude. Seriously, I don't know how the WWE hasn't been sued yet for the causing of internal ear bleeding.

Scratch what I said before about "some" of the entrance themes sucking. They all do with the exception of one…_mine_.

If it doesn't have a guitar, that's automatic disqualification from the "cool entrance theme" race. Generic themes suck, too. I mean, they don't have any words, so you can't sing along to them.

And it's always much better to have a kick ass band do your entrance theme. No, Motörhead for Triple H and P.O.D. for Rey Mysterio don't count. Motörhead and P.O.D. are not awesome bands. They suck monkey bum, kind of like John Cena's so called "rap career."

And you all think that Hulk Hogan's "Real American" was a great theme song? Hell no! Hulk Hogan likes to walk around in thongs and…Ugh. I can't even talk about it. I've already thrown up in my mouth throughout all of these rants that it could ruin my teeth. We just can't have any of that, now can we?

Now _my_ theme is just bloody amazing. Wait…did I just say "bloody?" Yuck. I've been making fun of William Regal a bit too much…but it's not possible to make fun of William Regal too much. In fact, I'm going to head out now to make fun of him.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Okay, this is for two reasons. One, I'm going to be there. Two, I was thinking about the possible matches last night, and who the heck is Edge going to face? The last person he faced in singles competition was at Wrestlemania was Mick Foley. Hm…**

Are they _trying_ to give me the night off? Seriously, Wrestlemania Rewind Night is going to be a joke. Who the hell am I going to face? That's right, _no one_. I guess I'll just stand there and look awesome while Randy Orton parades around in no pants. Of course, I won't be watching.

Maybe I'll end up running into the pantless wonder backstage. Ten bucks said there will be a ladder in the hallway, seeing as every promo I've ever been in had a ladder in the back. I'll hit his ugly face with it and show him why _I'm_ the best champion in the WWE.

Seriously, the last person I faced in a singles match at Wrestlemania was Mick Foley. I guess I wouldn't mind wrestling him again. It's pretty much a guaranteed victory for me. I just have to show up and he'll faint. Yeah, I am _that_ amazing.

It's not like I have Christian with me, so that pretty much eliminates me being in a tag team match against the Hardyz next week, thank god. I could so take them on by myself, but why waste my energy? That's what I have the Edgeheads for. They can take on those other two losers for me. Yes, that's it. Matt Hardy is back, after all. I think my World Heavyweight Championship belt could take on Matt Hardy and win.

I'm just hoping that there isn't a Rated-RKO reunion. Sure, Rated-RKO is the greatest tag team in recent memory, but then I have to deal with Randy Orton. I really don't feel like walking around with Orton while he's not wearing pants. I wear pants around men, thank you very much. I wish that Randy would just extend the same courtesy to others. I am a polite gentleman, contrary to popular belief.

This three hour RAW is not going to go well. Since Stephanie fired everyone, there's like no wrestlers left to use. There are like three possible matches for next week. What are they going to do when they run out of matches? Let Santino Marella run the mic? No, thanks. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes and hug John Cena. Sorry, that's Hulkster's job, not mine.

**A/N: Yeah, RAW is going to suck next week. Whatever.**

**Review.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: This is the last chapter of this sequel. I have nothing for it anymore.**

This is blasphemy. How _dare_ the Undertaker use that blasted move on me!

I kicked out of three, count 'em, _three_ of his finishers. I am immortal, damnit! But nope, Undertaker just comes back.

I speared that jerk twice. Okay, he kicked out of the first one. Fine. That's great. I'll just do it again. So I did. And then…

That is just not possible. I don't know what juice he's been pumping to be able to still perform a wrestling move directly after being speared by me. That's just wrong. It's insulting! Vickie is _not_ going to like this.

And how dare the Undertaker put his hands on Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins. Those are my Edgeheads, not his chew toys. If Undertaker wants to play like that, then he should go and find Michelle McCool. Everyone knows about them anyways. That's sick.

But there was a _reason_ that I tapped out. I didn't want to bleed. I've seen the damage that blasted triangle choke has done before. I wasn't going to go all Ric Flair in the ring. That's not cool. If I kept going, I probably would have passed out. I don't want to even think of the things Undertaker might try with me while I'm passed out. That's just sick. I am not John Cena, thank god, and he is not Hulk Hogan, if you know what I'm saying. And I don't want my lovely face getting disfigured. Vickie might not love me anymore and I need her to do my bidding. Don't like it? Then don't watch it. But wait, you guys watch anyways. You just can't get enough of the Edgemeister.

Don't worry, little Edgeheads. I _will_ have that damn title back if it kills me. Or I could just convince Vickie to give it back to me. That will probably happen anyways. You can't have Edge without the World Heavyweight Championship, after all.

But don't worry, I am still an optimistic person. I'll look at the good. Last year, the World Heavyweight Championship match was fourth on the card. That included Undertaker. This year, we were _the_ main event.

Not your golden boy, John freakin' Cena.

Not Vince's, I mean Stephanie's bitch, Triple H.

Not even the Nature Boy himself had the main event spot.

_Edge_ was the main event. Everyone sat there and waited for _me_ to come out so they could see _me_ wrestle.

So next time you try saying that you hate me, just remember who you tune in to see.


End file.
